Breaking News: Manchester City to Sign Lebron James

In a matter of hours it will be July 1–the day after contracts end and the official day many pre-arranged transfers go through. Manchester City have already signed World Cup stars Jerome Boateng (Hamburg/Germany) and David Silva (Valencia/Spain), with a deal for Yaya Toure (Barcelona/Spain) all but sealed as well. But here’s the latest shocking development in Manchester City’s ceaseless efforts to field the best team oil money can buy: the Blues have lined up a move to bring guard/forward Lebron James to City, where he will instantly become the tallest player in English football.


James, of course, is out of contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers and was widely expected to continue his successful career in professional basketball. But four events in recent months have altered those plans. First, Lebron realized that he will never catch up with Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan in number of NBA titles won. Second, he has thoroughly enjoyed watching the World Cup and was thrilled by his native U.S. team’s progress to the round of 16. Third, while watching the games he realized that could top Michael Jordan by taking up a second professional sport in the prime of his career and succeeding. (Jordan, of course, played one woefully sub-standard of minor league baseball in 1994 with the Birmingham Barons).

Fourth, and most decisively, we are led to believe that Manchester City’s ownership have agreed to build a new 20,000 acre private resort for James just outside Abu Dhabi that will be his in perpetuity upon signing with City. James also will collect one-half of the revenues from any future oil spotted on the location.

Roberto Mancini is said to be thrilled by this stunning news, though he admits the signing of James will represent a tactical challenge. “James’s ability to drive through traffic and finish plays with a dunk will be of little use on the pitch, at least at first,” lamented Mancini. “However we feel he can be an outstanding goalkeeper, and also a spectacular target for us on attacking set pieces. Also his speed should be a real asset for us. After watching the World Cup, I’m quite certain that he is faster than Gareth Barry.”

The current plan is for James to train with the strikers but also spend time working with the goalkeepers to begin learning the finer parts of the position, such as the rule against dribbling the ball with one’s hands outside one’s penalty area.

NBA fans are likely to be stunned by this announcement, none more so than in Cleveland. “It is true that we have deprived a struggling American city of perhaps the last sign of hope it will ever have,” admitted City CEO Garry Cook. “However, we have made arrangements to extend our U.S. tour to play the Columbus Crew in Cleveland, and will provide free hot dogs to all fans wearing a Lebron NBA jersey.”

Cook, former manager of the Jordan Brand, went on to credit Lebron and his agents for “not bottling” the deal. Sales of Manchester City shirts with Lebron’s name and number are expected to exceed 500,000 in the U.S. alone. As a further gesture of goodwill towards Cleveland the U.S. as a whole, the factory making the City Lebron shirts for the U.S. market will be produced in a Cleveland facility.

Sources close to Lebron indicate that both Tottenham and Chelsea made late bids to thwart the move to City, but James was unmoved. “Chelsea came at us with some stuff about the Champions League or something like that and how it was supposed to be better than what City will be in, but it just didn’t register. Lebron felt like the ‘Europa League’ sounded a lot cooler. ”

Nor is Lebron bothered that he is signing for a club bidding to win a league title for the first time since 1968. “Are you kidding? At least there are people still alive now who remember City winning the league,” said James. “The only time Cleveland wins anything is on a video game.”

And so begins one of the most exciting eras in City’s modern era, one that promises to be the most spectacular sporting story of our times: the Lebron Era. I for one cannot wait to see Lebron James wearing City blue, and fully expect to see him in the starting lineup against Tottenham come the season opener in August. His speed and leaping ability are sure to frighten and confuse Spurs defenders. Moreover, at last City will have someone to mark Peter Crouch on set pieces, which could make the difference between one points and three.

A news conference at City of Manchester Stadium announcing the signing has been tentatively scheduled for Monday July 5th, giving Lebron the weekend to pack his things in Cleveland.

Category: Manchester City, Team News